While we’re on the subject of dodgy direct mail. A couple of weeks back I got my latest Tesco clubcard statement. Yes, I know, I know, i’m giving all my personal data to the Tescopoly, but there are some infringements i’m willing to bear (and quite a  few erosions of liberty that i’m not.)

What struck me though, is that Tesco as arguably the most sophisticated profiler and user of Direct Marketing in the business uses variable printing for it’s quarterly clubcard mailer.

What does this mean? Well, you receive a nice blue and red leaflet where about two thirds of the black printed text on it has been tailored to you. Offers you might like, your personal details, the address, a cheery greeting like “Dear Mr xxxx”.

So given that the Tesco supercomputer knows i’m a bloke and probably, given the level of their knowledge base, a single bloke with a predilection for cashew nuts.  Why did the front of the leaflet say (in black variable print no less), “Inside, great vouchers to pull out and put in your purse.”

The only guy with a purse that comes readily to mind is Tinky Winky, substitute the word wallet and it wouldn’t have jarred nearly so much.

We need to talk. Sure, we’ve had some good times but I feel like I’ve moved on as a person. It’s not me, it’s you and I’m sorry but…there’s someone else. I’ve been seeing another telecoms supplier.

At first it was just carrier pre-selection, I thought it might add some spice to our relationship, but soon I realised it was more than that. All you did was take…and I have so much less to give.

But seriously…

About 4 months ago I finally left BT and decided to start getting my line rental, broadband and calls from a different supplier. Financially, paying &pound11 a month for a line I only used for ADSL, along with £23 for the DSL service (it was an old old Pipex package) while getting my calls through TalkTalk was becoming untenable.

So I switched, to TalkTalk for the lot, at just over £16 a month, it represented a pretty decent saving. Now, I know that TalkTalk aren’t the best of suppliers. In fact their customer service is regularly slated. But, given that i’d phoned the other suppliers less than 3 times in the past 6 years I figured I could cope. Sadly, the by all accounts excellent O2 broadband wasn’t available in my area at the time.

Apart from one slightly painful off-script conversation with the TalkTalk offshore call centre it was all pretty smooth and has been fine ever since…

Apart from one thing, BT won’t leave me alone.

I’ve closed my account and severed all ties. Which has sent their Direct Marketing department into overdrive. Now, I work in advertising and we sometimes use DM (not often!) so it would be hypocritical of me to blindly rant against DM as a concept.

BT, however now send me a letter at least once a month if not more often, in a variety of different sizes and shapes all telling me how useless my new supplier is, and how I’d be much happier with them, and that they’d be more than happy to welcome me back with open arms.

The tone of voice is slightly condescending suggesting that, aw shucks, we all make mistakes. It’s as if they’ve hired Michael Sophocles from The Apprentice to do their marketing, with his by turns, bullish, hectoring and the finally pathetic wheedling as an approach.

I’ve had partners that were less needy, BT are like the nasty ex who sits in the corner of the local bar sniping sotto-voce that your new partner has an ugly nose, and you could have been so happy together.

So, BT, let go, move on. We’re both different people now. I wish you every happiness…just not with me.